Twinnings: The peppermint paper clip fiasco and the uncertainty principle solution…

twinnings.logo

Hello Twinnings,

How’s it brewing?

I just wanted to let you know that I love your peppermint tea! Perfect before bed or apres-mange (after a meal, if you don’t speak French) – it’s great for digestion. In fact, even first thing in the morning!

I was a bit disappointed though as one of the teabags had a rip in it…

Not to worry though, I had to “adapt and conquer” as my housemate keeps telling me – so we used a paperclip to seal the teabag while it brewed – bingo!

Is there anything you can do? How did it happen? Is it rare?

I can’t send you the teabag as evidence (unless you don’t mind part of a compost heap being posted to you…) so you’ll just have to believe me.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this tea-ravisty (if you’ll pardon the pun!!!)

paperclip

Take care,

Yours qwenchingly,
Edward Y. Balloon

——————

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your e-mail.

We are sorry to hear that your recent purchase of our Peppermint tea has not been up to expectations and you found one torn. (We note your enterprising solution!) Please accept our apologies for any disappointment and inconvenience caused – I can assure you that every effort is made to ensure that our products reach the consumer in first class condition.

In order that we can try and determine the cause of the condition that you have described we require the following information:

The best before date, batch details, barcode of the product and your full postal address.

On receipt of this I will forward your details to our Quality Control Department for their records, they will then contact you directly within 7-10 working days.

Meanwhile if you have any other queries that we may be able to help you with – please do not hesitate to contact me.

peppermint tea

Kind regards,

Birgit Smith

——————

Dear Birgit,

Thanks too for your reply. Apologies for the delay, I was involved in a electric mobility-vehicle crash recently and have spent the last month filing the insurance papers. Don’t worry though, I’m fine…

mobility scooter crashI am glad that you have so kindly noted my solution – “adapt and conquer” is the key as my housemate tells me. Do you think you could maybe include one of these in each of your packets just to make sure in case this does happen again?

As much as I would love to furnish you with the required information, regrettably the packet is now in the recycle bin and is probably being used in the form of recycled toilet paper, a notepad or one of those pen’s you can get made of cardboard…

I think however that the barcode went like this:

|| | ||| | | |||| || | | |||

Don’t quote me on that though… Perhaps you can use your iPhone (I assume you have one as almost everyone I know has one these days) to scan the barcode and see what it comes up with?

I would give you my address, but for security reasons I only keep one piece of paper with it written down on (you can’t be too careful in this day and age) and it’s fallen down the back of the radiator in my living room. I tried to get it out and injured my hand, then went with a bent coathanger, but even this didn’t work. My “adapt and conquer” housemate is currently working on a solution using some fishing line, a washing up bottle, some sticky-back plastic, a sock, 3 matchsticks and some masking tape. I’m not exactly sure what he’s going to contruct or how it will work, but I’m assuming (based on my limited understanding of the Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics) that he will be utilizing the wave function of the Hiesenberger Uncertainty Principle in some way as I spied some equations while casually walking past his bedroom.

uncertainty principle

So until he has worked that one out, I can’t give my addres – apologies for that, but believe me I bet you it’s more frustrating for me than it is for you!

I look forward to hearing your proposals/solutions regarding:

1. How the teabag split incident happened
2. The frequency of teabag splittage (and number or reported incidents in the last 12 months)
3. Any suggestions you might have on how to recover my address from behind the radiator
4. Any useful working knowledge of Quantum Theory that my housemate might be able to use to increase the probability of him rescusing my address from behind the radiator
5. If the barcode is correct (assuming you or a colleague has an iPhone and the relevant “app”)
6. If you will be including free paperclips in all brands of Twinnings tea, to safeguard against future breaches
7. Tips/tricks relating to electric mobility vehicle driving safety

Thanks in advance for your replies to points 1-7 and any other useful advice you might wish to share.

All the best,

Regards,

Edward
——————

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your e-mail.

We are all very relieved to hear that your are intact following your recent crash and wish you luck with your insurance claim.

What a shame you have mislaid your address. However, if you have a ‘c/o’ address I would really like to send you a complimentary box of tea by way of thanking you for your contact.

With regard to your 7 queries our responses are as follows:

1) Without a sample of the split teabags we are unable to comment.

2) This information is not available but we strive to deliver all our products in a first class condition which is why we were keen to investigate your case further.

3) Personally I find a vacuum cleaner a useful tool for such problems. Just use the hose attachment but remember to place a thin cloth over the end to prevent the piece of paper disappearing into the dust bag.vacuum cleaner

4) Again, another personal suggestion, when I want information that is beyond my knowledge I try Google.

5) I am one of the small minority without a mobile phone and am therefore unable to determine whether the barcode is correct. However, comparing it to those on the boxes here I think the one you gave needs more ‘bars’.

6) No we will not be including paperclips in our boxes of tea. I have passed on both your suggestion and your housemates’ ‘adapt and conquer’ principle to my colleagues.

7) Your housemate sounds like a very enterprising person who may be best placed to offer some tips or tricks.

Wishing you all the best,
Birgitmobility scooter

——————

Dear Birgit,

Thanks so much for your comprehensive and useful reply! My apologies for the lack of response, the insurance claim took a lot longer than I had anticipated and I won’t bore you with the full story, but the pensioner with whom I crashed took me to court and a 3 month legal battle ensued. The upshot is I won’t ever be allowed to drive an electric (or petrol) vehicle for 3 years…

But onto more pressing matters – regrettably I don’t have a suitable c/o address, but may have a solution (see below):

1.) Noted – I figure it could have been a rare fluke, things like this can happen and I don’t blame you or anyone else at Twinnings.

2.) Also noted – do you have any yearly/monthly figures relating to teabag splittage issues anyway?

tropical spider3.) Good suggestions – we did try this, but to no avail. We did catch a tropical spider though, which scared the living daylights out of my housemate. It didn’t get into the dust bag, which caused quite a kerfuffle. We got the piece of paper, but due to the length of time it had been trapped (in combination with the heat), regrettably is no longer legible.

4.) We tried Google (great suggestion) and found plenty of theory relating to Quantum Mechanics and the Uncertainty Principle, however these laws only work on a quantum (very small) level, so only on atoms & sub-particles. We’re currently exploring a new avenue: Hypnosis. We hope that once my housemate learns how to hypnotize me, he can get me to regress to an earlier frame of memory and reveal my address. I honestly can’t remember it, but we’re both very optimistic about this new idea.

5.) I appreciate your honesty – me too in fact – I hate phones! What ever happened to the good old days of speaking to the Operator and sending “Telegrams”? – I’ve attached two photos of the barcode, which I managed to salvage from the recycling (we re-used the packet to make a 1:5 scale model of the HMS Belfast) – could you try using your colleagues iPhone to scan it? This may give you more information about the actual carton I purchased which had the split teabag in it…

6.) Fair enough – I appreciate this may add to your costs and thus eat into (if you will) your profits. I’m glad you passed on the words of wisdom to your colleagues and hope this will increase the efficiency of your workforce.

7.) A moot point now I have been banned. I asked him retrospectively and he said “just be careful” – words of wisdom I think you’ll agree and could probably be applied beyond the realm of electric vehicle driving safety…

Look forward to hearing from you about the above and also if you’re able to “scan” the “barcodes” with the “barcode scanning “app””.

barcode

All the very best,

Ed

——————

Dear Birgit,

Hope all is well. Just a quick one to say I think I’ve come up with a solution re sending the complimentary box of tea, you can use my friend’s address:

cup of tea
Edward c/o Bill
Station Road
Balloonington
Balloonshire
BAL0 0ON

Look forward to receiving it c/o Bill and hearing your reply(ies) to my aforementioned points in the previous e-mail…

Many thanks,

Ed

——————

Dear Edward,

Sincere apologies for taking so long in responding to both this e-mail and your previous one.

I must say I was very pleased to hear from you again, although sad that the outcome of your accident means you have ended up losing your driving licence.

Now that I have an address, I have now despatched a replacement box of Pure Peppermint ‘infusion’. Also included are a couple of other products I thought you might appreciate. I hope you have fun re-cycling the boxes!

With best regards,
Birgit

——————

Dear Birgit,

Thanks every so much for your lovely reply and sending the “goodies” if you will. I will let me friend know to expect them.

Regarding the license, ’tis indeed a shame, but as a wise old lady once told me; “It’s not about how you get yourselves into situations like this, but rather, how you get yourself out of them that really matters”. You strike me as someone who would appreciate the velocity of this quote.

Turning to the new Hypnosis route we are currently exploring, no luck finding out the address yet, but we have learned that I have several past lives:

1.) Sir Londerdale of Wandsworth – a man who ruled this area of London in the year 1832 and loved teacups.
2.) An Egyptian slave – who helped to build the Sphinx
3.) “Cederic” – a French peasant who played a pivotal part in the French Revolution
4.) Xi Lau Ho – A Chinese Taoist who wandered the woods and discovered the meaning of life in Lau Tzu’s quote: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
5.) Werner Heisenberg – discoverer of the “Uncertainty Principle” – I learned/rememberd a lot from this past life, which may also lead to a greater understanding of my housemate’s earlier work in Quantum Mechanics.
Anyway, while all that’s rather interesting, I just want to thank you and everyone at Twinnings for the free tea and for listening to my concerns. You’ve almost certainly gained a life-long fan in me

All the very best regards & wishes,
Ed Balloon

P.s. I’m planning to make an Inter-planetary Space Ship with the empty tea boxes, once I’ve used them up. They should serve as a vital part of the Oxygen-recycling drive…

paperspaceship

——————

Hello Ed,

Just clearing my desk before I go home for a couple of days (someone mentioned something about a National holiday) and I realised I hadn’t heard from you for a while.

I do hope you received the teas I sent but most of all have a great Christmas and I hope 2012 brings you lots of happiness.

Best regards,
Birgit

——————

Hello Birgit,

Hope you and the team(s) are well.

Did you send me another letter, you cheeky so-and-so?

My friend said he received another one. He’s off on holiday at the moment, would it be rude to ask for a scanned copy so I don’t have to wait? I’m really excited to see what it says!!

The hypnosis worked well, we discovered my address! But that’s purely academic at this point as now there’s no need.

On an aside I think we may be onto something with my Werner Heisenberg past life regression. Turns out my other housemate was Albert Einstein! What are the odds? We’ve been doing group past-life regression hypnosis and working together in order to iron out the problems of a working unification of Einstein’s General & Special Theories of Relativity with modern Quantum Theories on Strong & Weak Magnetic and Nuclear forces.

Apparently, a friend of mine tells me, if we do it we will have come up with a Grand Unification Theory of Everything and stand to win a (or possibly several) Nobel Prize(s). If we do it, we’ll be sure to give credit where credit is due (to Twinnings and you, Birgit) for this whole teabag splittage incident, without which, none of this would have been possible.

Look forward to getting an e-copy of the letter (.PDF is fine, as is plaint text copied into an e-mail) at your earliest convenience and all the very best for 2012!

Regards,
Ed

einstien

“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.”

– Albert Einstein

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Dear Sir Richard / “Virgin Space” proposal…

Dear Sir Richard,

How are you? I hope you’re well. Anyway, I’ll keep this short as I know you’re a busy man. I have an idea. A stellar idea!

Why don’t you set up a wing (if you’ll pardon the pun!) of the Virgin brand which flies people to space!! You could call it “Virgin Solar” or “Virgin Space” or something to that effect.

I’ve always wanted to go to space and would be happy to undergo the years of training to become an astronaught on the project, if you could give me a free flight to the moon?

The idea is mine and I copyrighted and patented (pending) the idea about 20 years ago (I was only 5 & 1/2, but it still counts), by sending some sketches to myself by Royal Mail, so don’t think about stealing the idea without my permission! In any case, I am keen to work alongside you, so I look forward to hearing back from you as we both know there would be a lot of money to be made in selling flights to Space/Moon/Mars/Pluto.

Best regards,

Erin Armstrong

—————-

Thanks for sending your Big Idea to the corporate development team in the UK.

As you can imagine we receive a lot of proposals each day. So that we can fully consider every submission we receive, we would appreciate if you could read our guide on the “Got a Big Idea” webpage http://www.virgin.com/gotabigidea This explains what to consider and all the points to cover when submitting a proposal in to us, and will help you to make sure all the right details have been included in your submission. Please note that we may not be able to respond to proposals which don’t disclose enough information or have been submitted in different formats.

If your proposal is specific to businesses in North, South or Central America please send to our corporate development team directly at bigideas@virginusa.com (Please be sure to attach an Idea Submission Agreement, available on the website with all submission to the USA)

Because we get such a high volumes of proposals, it will take us up to 8 weeks to fully review and respond.If your proposal relates to businesses specific to Asia or Pacific region please send to our corporate development team directly at bigideas@virgin.com.au

Thanks for bearing with us and thanks again for your submission!

Kind Regards

From All of us at the Corporate Development & Strategy Team

Help to save paper – do you need to print this email?

—————-

Hi Richard,

I hope you’re well. I didn’t hear anything back from you (or any of your colleagues) regarding my previous e-mail (see below).

Would you do me the courtesy of reading and replying please?

Thanking you in advance.

Erin Armstrong

—————-

Dear Erin Armstrong

Many thanks for your email.

Virgin already has an airline offering suborbital spaceflights called Virgin Galactic. For more information please visit their website at: http://www.virgingalactic.com/

I should point out that Virgin Enterprises Limited has registered VIRGIN as a trade mark in many countries. No use or registration should be made of the VIRGIN name (or anything similar to it) without our consent.

Kind Regards

Amy Juno

Brand Response Executive

Virgin Management Limited

—————-

Dear Amy,

Thanks for the reply! I almost fell off my beanbag when I saw that this idea was already taken! What a pioneering genius Sir Richard really is, my hat goes off to him.

Your point re the “Virgin” brand is duly noted – however it was never my intention to “steal, beg or borrow” any use of the trademark, or registration thereof – especially not without your consent. I was merely asking if Sir Richard would consider a joint venture project. Now I can see the wheels are already in motion, perhaps I can modify the idea?

Before we get ahead of ourselves, I managed to secure some photocopies of the original sketches I did (from my mother, who never throws anything away, particularly useful in situations like this I might add!) – I have attached a sample for your kind perusal. SPACE SHIP (attachment)

I propose “Virgin Saturn” (perhaps I can register the TM with your consent?) – please forgive the obvious typo on the drawing, as I seem to have written “Satan”, and obviously this would be a non-theistic / non-demonic venture, or it could be “Seten” but I’m not entirely sure I know what that means…

I was only 5 & 1/2 what I drew this, so we would need to consult the design teams and re-draft the blueprints, but I think we’ve got some workable material. It will essentially be a 3 windowed sub-space Mach 9 spaceship (as you can see, I wrote “SPACE SHIP” on next to the shuttle-craft. The moon is at the top if you’re wondering and Saturn is featured in the lower third of the sketch – the squiggly line is a potential flight-path) that could fly people to Saturn (perhaps via the moon – maybe to pick up extra travellers – or perhaps to gain more velocity in a “slingshot” manoeuvre).

I’m sure that you, a smart young executive, will be able to see the merit and potential in this kind of idea. I would really appreciate it if you could forward my proposal(s) to Sir Richard personally for his opinion as I’m sure he would be curious. Also, if you could send it to the design/technical team who are currently working on “Virgin Galactic” space ships that would be perfect – I’m sure they could give me some useful feedback or incorporate some of my ideas (namely, the 3 window idea) into “Virgin Galactic” space ships.

Thanks for your time and look forward to hearing from you/Sir Richard/the design team at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

Erin Armstrong

—————-

Hello all,

I hope everything is OK – I haven’t heard anything back. I would really appreciate you looking into this and giving me a response. Ideally from Sir Richard.

Many thanks and appreciate that it’s quite a technical when it comes to space ship blueprints, so no doubt your technical team are still deciphering the schematics…

Look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Very best regards,

Erin Armstrong

—————-

Dear Erin Armstrong

Many thanks for your email.

I’m afraid to say that we will have to turn down your offer to become involved. We receive so many ideas and often they overlap with existing initiatives, so we are constrained to picking those with the greatest possible scope to add new value to our businesses. Both the Virgin Group and Virgin Galactic have spent numerous years working on projects and are focusing on developing ideas and strategies internally.

I am also afraid that we cannot give you permission to use or register the Virgin trademark.

May I thank you for taking the time to contact us again and wish you all the best in future endeavours.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely

Amy Juno

Brand Response Executive

Virgin Management Limited

Oinken & Mysterious Tale of Dr. Okter-puss

Today’s post is about my favourite yogurt: the Onken Biopot. Cherry is clearly the best flavour. I eat it almost every day of the week (except weekends). Following a discussion with my regular co-conspiritors, we thought it would be fairly amusing to pretend the brand was called “Oinken”. I’ve also always wondered where the name “Dr. Oetker” came from, but I think we’ll never find out. They finally sussed me out using the magical powers of Google, as I inadvertantly used the same name as the post about Llama Trekking… That won’t happen again! Enjoy the absurdity :)

Keep it ridiculous…

EYDIAB

————————

Hello Dr. Okter,

How’s it fermenting? Hope everythings fine and dandy.

I just wanted to say, I love your Oinken yogurts! That’s so clever how you’ve used the work “Oink” (the noise a pig makes) and modified it into something new.

I am in love with the Cherry flavour yogurts and have one a day (mid-week, at weekends I sometimes go for a natural or Mango & Passionfruit if I’m feeling a bit “out there”) – do you think there are any associated/likely health risks? Maybe I should rotate flavours?

On an aside, I sometimes leave my yogurt for the afternoon while at work (opting for some Wheat Crunchies and a sandwich/baguette/last night’s fajitas for the mid-morning snack before tackling the yog), but the trouble is, it tends to get warmer the later I leave it un-refrigerated. Could you suggest something? I’m thinking along the lines of some kind of enclosed cooling device… Any help would be appreciated.

Take care and keep doing what you do best,

Regards,

Ralph

————————

from Info Emmi UK Ltd.
to EYDIAB
date 16 May 2011 16:08
subject Re: Onken Yogurts

Dear Ralph,

Many thanks for your email. It’s always so great to hear from customers who feel so passionately about our products. In answer to your question, there are no associated health risks by only enjoying one or two of the Onken flavours. Additionally, in terms of keeping the product at its best, we do recommend that you keep it refrigerated at all times when you are not serving or eating it. This keeps it in peak condition. Thank you once again for getting in contact and we do hope that you will continue to enjoy Onken yogurts in the future.

Kind Regards,

Lesley Dawn
_________________
Emmi UK Limited

————————

from EYDIAB to Info Emmi UK Ltd.
date 17 May 2011 22:07
subject Re: Re: Onken Yogurts

Dear Lesley,

Thanks muchly for your reply, although I must admit I was a little disappointed not to have a reply personally from Dr. Okter. Where does his name come from by the way, is it related to the eight legged cephalopod mollusc of the order Oktopoda – or Okterpuss as you might know it?

I’m glad to hear that there’s no risks in eating one or two flavours. But what if (as has happened on occasion) I have had 3 sucessive weeks of only “Cherry” flavour bio-pots? Is this more dangerous than the usual flavour rotation? Today I had a Mango & Passion Fruit yogurt just to “switch it up” and to be sure – as you can’t be too careful in this day and age…

Turning to my original point about the range of different flavours and combining it with my love of your brand (Oinken) – would you ever consider making a Pork Chop flavour boi-pot? Or perhaps (not unlike Wheat Crunchies) a “Crispy Bacon” flavour? Although it wouldn’t be crispy and I’m not sure how well “Soggy Bacon” would go down…

Finally, I am but a little perplexed at your solution to my “warm yogurt” situation. You mention “keeping it refrigerated” unless it’s being served or eaten/drank. Quick aside: do you eat or drink a yogurt? I’ve always wondered. I once bet my friend 50p he couldn’t down a whole Oinken bio-pot and he got most of the way, which took a good 7 minutes, but alas, couldn’t finish it. But at the same time you certainly don’t eat them now do you? I’ve never chewed on them, except maybe for the odd large chunk of cherry…

I’m not sure I understand what you mean, perhaps you could be more specific or point me in the direction (or “link me” as the kids these days like to say) with any kind of enclosed cooling device that you might suggest would be suitable?

Look forward to hearing from you re my proposals and questions.

Thanks in advance for your time and reply.

Warm regards,

Ralph

————————

from EYDIAB
to Info Emmi UK Ltd.
date 24 May 2011 20:02
subject Re: Re: Fwd: Onken Yogurts

Hi Lesley / Lesley’s colleague,

I hope all is well and you haven’t been involved in a Parkourt/blender/golfing accident or similar. I’m still waiting for a reply and would be much obliged if you could get back to me on the below e-mail.

All the best,

Ralph

————————

from EYDIAB
to Info Emmi UK Ltd.
date 6 June 2011 19:35
subject Re: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Onken Yogurts

Dear Lesley c/o her replacement,

It is with great sadness that I have not heard from you and at this juncture can only assume that you’ve been involved in a Parkourt/blender/golfing incident and have been incapacitated.

Therefore, whomever has replaced you (her) please would you have the common courtesy to reply to my e-mail(s)?

Just to give you a quick update: I have recently been enlightened at work by a colleague who happened to purchase an enclosed refrigeration device, which I now know is more commonly referred to as a “Fridge” (or “Frigot” [pronounced “free-go”] in French). I must praise you on the fact that you were completely correct when it comes to yogurt remaining at it’s “peak” – it has certainly never tasted better! Well done indeed.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience regarding the following unanswered questions:

1.) the origin of “Dr. Otker”‘s name.
2.) the potential dangers due to a lack of “flavour rotation”
3.) my suggested new flavours, namely: “Pork Chop” Oinken Bio-pot’s
4.) whether one “eats” or “drinks” a yogurt

All the very best,

Ralph

————————

from Info Emmi UK Ltd.
to EYDIAB
date 8 June 2011 10:17
Re: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Onken Yogurts

Dear Ralph,

Sorry for the delay in responding to your emails. We thank you for your comments and suggestions regarding our O(i)nken yogurts. All relevant comments have been passed onto our Marketing team who review our range of products and take on board customer suggestions. I have recently found your website and have seen the work you do, for this reason we will cease to correspond with yourself after this email.

With Best Wishes,

Lesley

————————

from EYDIAB
to Info Emmi UK Ltd.
date 8 June 2011 19:35
subject Re: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: O(i)nken Yogurts

Dear Lesley,

Many thanks for your reply and glad to hear you’re OK.

I look forward to seeing “Pork Chop” flavour yogurts in the shops soon, although I myself do not eat pig, I believe it will be a strong seller.

I guess the origin of Dr. Okter’s name will remain forever a mystery… I also note that you made a typo in your reply and omitted the “i” from “Oinken”, so have corrected this for ease of reference.

Additionally I hope you enjoy the website, as working in a complaints team must, at times, get a little tedious and frustrating. I hope that I’ve shined a little ray of absurd sunshine into you and your colleague’s world – please feel free to subscribe as I’ve got some very good posts on the way! Feel free to also peruse the archives featuring, but not limited to “What on earth are pasta tubes doing in my Veg Soup?!?!” and “J’adore les Kit-Kat’s“…

All the very best,

Ralph

P.s. Cherry is “still” the best…

P.p.s. a quick raise of hands at work today proved an equal split between “eating” vs. “drinking” a yogurt, so I now say that I am “dreating” (combo of the two options) for example: “Sure, I’ll send you the report, right after I’ve finished dreating my Oinken Boi-pot” (much to the perplexment of my colleagues…)

————————

“I can wire you the monies directly!” (counter-spam)

Greetings scammers, scamee’s and fellow japester’s!

I decided it could be fun to reply to e-mails as well as make a nuisance of myself by sending them. With a wide range of “phising” & “scam” e-mails in my spam folder, I figured I would reply to some and see what happened. So few replies makes me wonder if anyone actually ever gets roped into these obviously ludicrous scenario’s.

This one is not entirely unlike “George” from Fonejacker:

It also is inspired by another very funny writer/blogger/humourist; “Bob Servant“, who’s book “Delete This at Your Peril” I was recently happened upon. He also did some stuff on Radio 4‘s “You and Yours“. I had a bit of fun and wasted this poor man’s time. Hopefully he’ll think about taking up another career/hobby in light of my (and plenty of other people‘s – such as “419 eater” who advocate “scambaiting“) absurd attempts to foil his master-plan…

Keep it foolish…

EYDIAB

——————

From: Babamosi@live.com.my
To: EYDIAB
Date: 20 Mar 2011 09:55
Subject: GOOD DAY

Good Day,

How are you and your family? I hope they are fine? If so thanks be to God. Please, let me use this opportunity to introduce myself. I am mohammad babamosi Siad the only son of late mohammad Siad Barre. I am 29yrs old, and my mother name Mary Ibrahim Babamosi Siad 50years old widow. I am the next of kin to the Metallic strong box containing 6.5m USD cash which is lying down in K.L.I.A for safe keeping.

The fund is not a stolen or drug fund, my late Father was an owner of a small Gold and Diamond Corporation Company in my home town in Somalia. My father died as a result of power struggle. It was a political struggle. After his death I and my mother had to move to Ghana high commissioner in Malaysia in Kuala Lumpur to resettle and also because of the consignment which was deposited by my late father mohammad Siad Barre with security company before it was shipped to Malaysia but we are also not safe because if those in Somalia understand that we are still alive, they will come after us and our life will be in serious danger as some of them are aware that we have this kind of fund.

The original person who suppose to clear the consignment on our behalf here in Malaysia as our beneficiary he later betrayed us after my mother had made all efforts to ship the consignment out of Africa [Somalia] to Malaysia. He later called us that he is going to take 70% for the total fund that was when my mother stopped the diplomat not to deliver the consignment to him anymore because he is a greedy man. My mother now sent me to Malaysia to monitor the consignment. That is the reason why we are seeking for your almost assistance to stand as our new beneficiary to clear the consignment for us as our trustee.

Please does render us your TRUST and keep this transaction confidential for security reasons, because the fund is our life and our future. I and my mother have agreed to offer you 20% for your assistance and 10% for any expenses you will carry out during this transaction including your phone calls. Sir we intend to invest wherever we finally reside and I believe you could be of useful assistance in area of investment. Please kindly reach me. so that I will forward you the all vita document covering the consignment. Please do not under estimate our request because it is very important, we are planning to invest in a hotel business in your country. Please kindly send me your email or phone number so that i can explain to you better. myemail:IbrahimBabamosi@live.com.my

I shall appreciate an urgent response

Yours Faithfully,

Ibrahim Babamosi.

————————-

From: EYDIAB
To: Babamosi@live.com.my
Date: 21 Mar 2011 22:55
Subject: Re: GOOD DAY

Greetings mohammad babamosi Siad,

Many thanks for your e-mail and yes, I was somewhat surprised to receive your e-mail. Now I’ve picked myself up off the floor, I certainly need to know some further details, namely:

-What is K.I.L.A?
-How do we get inside the “metallic strongbox”?
-Isn’t 6.5mm cash in USD roughtly equivalent to about $39.40?
-What will the 10% expenses be “mapped out” for (this only adds up to $3.94 at my calculations)?
-Who on earth is taking the 70% and what for???
-What exactly do you need me for?
-How do you know what country I am in? (and as a quick test – what country AM I in?)
-What would you like to do next?
-Do you have a website?
-What is your address, telephone number, mother’s maiden name password to your e-mail account?
-Can I have a photo of you?

I hope you don’t get offended by the last two questions, but you’ll understand that I must be sure of your honesty and integrity. I hope you can answer me swiftly as time is of the essance, as I’ve left the trouser press on…

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon.

Blandly yours,

Dr. Gerald Whittington-Randlebooth III

————————-

From: Babamosi@live.com.my
To: EYDIAB
Date: 23 March 2011 21.09
Subject: Re: Re: GOOD DAY

Thanks for your response and concerned to my email, find below the answer to your questions

1. K.L.I.A — kuala lumpur international Airport, Malaysia

2. With the codes we can get to open it

3. it’s 6.5 million united states dollars not $39.40 the way you calculated it.

4. 10% of the 6.5Million USD mapped out for expenses that will arise

5. 70% of the 6.5million USD for me and my mother while you take 20% as a foreign partner

6. I need you to stand in as our foreign partner/associate, so that these funds can be transfered to you, since who will depended on Chuo ki as disappointed us after our arrival to meet him in Malaysia, instead of his 20% as agreeed, he is changing the terms now to be 70% for him , 20% for us , keeping us stranded, having been declared the consignment box as a family valuable property

7.My next plans is to move out, this is why i contacted you, if you can be of help to me and my mother

8. i dont have a website

9. Sir ,i got terms & conditions and what i actually need from you as stated below,

kindly send me your phone number and home address, so that we can discuss how you will clear the consignment box into your possession as my foreign partner, Inorder for us to meet face to face to discuss on how to invest the fund in a profitable business in your country, as the consignment box is already in malaysia

I and my mother have agreed to offer you 20% for your assistance and 10% for any expenses that may occur during the

transaction like phone calls.

I wait to hear from you soon to know if i have satisfactorily answered your questions . Just want to let you know also that the documents that covers the consignment out of my country somalia to Malaysia are with me to show you that the funds are clean and clear.

Best Regards

IBRAHIM BABAMOSI

————————-

From: EYDIAB
To: Babamosi@live.com.my
Date: 24 Mar 2011 20:25
Subject: Re: Re: Re: GOOD DAY

Dear Babamosi,

Thanks too for getting back to me so quickly, I managed to avert the trouser based overheating situation which your e-mail almost caused (but I take it this would potentially be covered by the “expenses” money?).

Just a few more questions.

1. Thanks for that information – where is the “metalic box” exactly in the Airport?

2. Do you know the codes? If not, how do you propose to get access to them?

3. $6.5 million?!?!?! I can imagine $39.40 fitting into a box, but how does such a large amount of money fit into such a small box?

4. What kind of expenses will cost $650,000 (10% of $6.5 million)?? Will I need to buy a fancy car to pull this off? Perhaps a Jag or a Bently?

5. 70% for you and your mother? Surely not! That’s mayhem! My counter proposal is 90% for me, 5% for each you and your mother and 3% for expenses… What do you think? That’s still a cool $325,000 for each of you!

6. Who’s this “Chuo Ki” character? Why is he now taking 70%?!??! That’s an outrage! He could have 7% on top of the figures in point 5.

7. Where will you move out to?

8. I do have a website. Maybe you should consider getting one too? They’re dead easy to setup and I’m sure you and your mother could do it with the $325,000 USD you’d each have…

9. I don’t think I’m ready to divulge my particulars yet… Perhaps you could give me a number to contact you on? I would also request that you provide me with an address, so I can write to you and make sure you really are who you say you are…

10. Can I have photo’s of you and your mother – I need to be sure this is legitimate (which I am fairly sure it is) and true.

Yours amusingly,

Dr. Gerald Whittington-Randlebooth III

————————-

From: EYDIAB
To: Babamosi@live.com.my
Date: 25 Mar 2011 19:21
Subject: BAD DAY

Ibrahim…?

————————-

What do Dairylea, Carte Noir and Kraftwerk all have in common?

Here’s another quick post from my friend “W”, who previously provided the guest post “Lovely quiche… (click here)”. He’s up to his friendly antics again here, taking on the mystery that is Kraft Foods – producers of Dairylea, Carte Noir and German Techno?!?!? Maybe not… but play this while reading to add to the realism/surrealism…

There’s some real gold on the way so stay tuned, just thought I should whet your appetites in the meantime!

Keep it sterile…

EYDIAB

—————————-

Hello

Do you also make Dairylea? Is Dairylea farmed in the UK?

Many thanks,

W

—————————-

From: UKConsumerCare@krafteurope.com
Date: 7 May 2011 18:03:51
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Case Ref: 2011501018751807/IH

Dear W

Thank you for your enquiry about Dairylea cheese.

Kraft Foods does produce both Dairylea cheese and Carte Noire coffee. Dairylea is produced in Namur, Belgium, using milk from, I believe, Belgian cows.

Kind regards,

Iain Ford
Consumer Relations Team
Kraft Foods UK Ltd.

—————————-

From: EYDIAB
Date: 8 May 2011 19:07:58
To: UKConsumerCare@krafteurope.com
Subject: Re: Case Ref: 2011501018751807/IH

Hello Iain

Belgium! Who’d have thought it, first Tintin and now Dairylea! Actually does Tintin pre-date Dairylea? No need to answer that one but it’s certainly food for thought, if you’ll pardon the pun.

One further question if I may – is Kraft Foods related to, or indeed a translation of Kraftwerk, the German electro-pop group of the same (?) name?

Many thanks once more,

W

P.s. That’s an interesting reference number. I assume the first eight digits are some sort of date code, and the following digits indicate a daily email tally? That’s a lot of emails!

—————————-
From: UKConsumerCare@krafteurope.com
Date: 9 May 2011 11:01:37
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Re: Re: Case Ref: 2011501018751807/IH

Dear W

Thank you for your enquiry.

There is no connection between the German pop group and Kraft Foods, beyond the coincidental use of the German word “kraft”, at least.

Kind regards,

Iain Ford
Consumer Relations Team
Kraft Foods UK Ltd

—————————-

From: EYDIAB
Date: 10 May 2011 21:27:38
To: UKConsumerCare@krafteurope.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Case Ref: 2011501018751807/IH

Hello Iain

Two different Iains, what are the chances! Perhaps I should refer to you as Iain A and Iain B!

I’ve since discovered that ‘kraft’ is German for ‘strength’, which when you think about it is ironic given Dairylea’s notorious mellowness. It’s not a criticism though, I’m as big a fan of mild cheeses as the next man.

That said, can you beat a mature English cheddar? I think not.

On that note, many thanks again Iain/s.

W

Isiah the time-travelling AA battery enthusiast…

Tonight’s post come from a good friend of mine, who’s an aspiring artist. This emulates the classic David Thorne style (author of The Internet is a Playground & www.27bslash6.com) and had me in stitches so I thought it only fair to post & share. I’ve only adjusted the names of the people and institutions involved – everything else is 100% genuine.

Keep it unreal…

EYDIAB

P.s. feel free to checkout and/or “like” the Eydiab page on Facebook.com

——————-


From: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Sent: 11 May 2011 17:00
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Important Assessment Information

Dear Student,

According to our records you either have an outstanding Library Fine and/or you currently have items on loan. Please ensure that you clear any monies owed by Wednesday 18th May and return your current loaned items by Friday 13th May.

PLEASE PAY YOUR LIBRARY FINES AND RETURN ITEMS BY THE 18th TO ENSURE YOUR WORK IS ASSESSED.

Should you fail to do so you will be classed as a debtor. Debtors with arrears to the University will not have their work or results considered by any Assessment Board. Such debtors will not be permitted to progress, re-enrol, graduate, attend a graduation ceremony, or receive any results, certificate, diploma or official transcript, as stated in our Debtor Regulations.

Please pay any Library debts at the Library Information Desk or using the self-service kiosk.

Kind regards,

Jade
Senior Library Advisor
University for the Disruptive Arts

——————-

From: EYDIAB
Sent: 11 May 2011 17:21
To: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Subject: Re: Important Assessment Information

I just checked my account and it says on the “mylibrary” section that I have no outstanding fines or items that need returning so, please explain the email.

——————-

From: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Sent: 11 May 2011 17:27
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Re: Re: Important Assessment Information

My apologies, the email was sent in error do to inaccuracies in a report we received from another department. Your Library account is clear.

Kind regards,

Jade

——————-

From: EYDIAB
Sent: 11 May 2011 17:32
To: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Important Assessment Information

Many thanks for letting me know, I was rather worried. We all make mistakes and it seems that computers make mistakes more than often.

I was going to offer payment in the form of a drawing of my aunt Jemima, with no payment being needed however I have decided to grant the drawing as a gift of goodwill.

Please enjoy it

Isiah

AUNTJEMIMAS.jpg

——————-

From: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Sent: 11 May 2011 17:59
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Important Assessment Information

Thank you Isiah. You have won the student of the month award and receive a packet of dead batteries.

Jade

——————-

From: EYDIAB
Sent: 11 May 2011 18:40
To: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Subject: Time Travel

Wow thank you greatly, having never won an award in my life I feel as if I should do a speech of gratitude, however with the audience being just you I think thanks would suffice.

I think that dead batteries are rather overlooked of their uses, I remember when I was small(er) I would collect dead batteries and store them in water to watch the miracle of oxidisation of metals and the formation of rust, this was perhaps the first time my parents referred to me as an “odd’n” and is a term I’ve learnt to accept as the years went on. Recently I have been experimenting with AA alkaline batteries potential for powering a small time travel machine, one which is at the moment only capable of transporting atoms through time, though I have been met with some criticism due to Niels Bohr’s theorems on atoms existing in a non dimensional time space, and the theoretical physics problems of observation change outcomes. Needless to say the experiments so far haven’t worked, and im beginning to wonder whether I need to change types of battery.

This brings me to the question, what size/spec of battery will I be rewarded for along with this prestigious title?

Thanks in advance (hope these emails aren’t too much)

Isiah

——————-

From: Jade [jade@uniofdisruption.ac.uk]
Sent: 11 May 2011 18:59
To: EYDIAB
Subject: Re: Time Travel

Dear Isiah,

Wow… really, with a reply like that you can whichever type you like.

I only hope you put as much effort into your studies as you have this email correspondence.

Best wishes,

Jade

Rasputin the vegetable smoothie enthusiast…

…and now for some more tomfoolery with Innocent Drinks again. What a playful company! I like their style and they clearly have a very personal touch. I went for a classic “juicing up” (giving praise, which is always nice to give!) and slipped in a little idea (vegan smoothies), then went in for the kill. Rasputin is not his name, but his name is cool, so that much remains true!  I think V8 did a vegetable smoothie, so perhaps Innocent are a little behind, but let’s hope they can get it nailed and move on to more adventurous smoothie combo’s!

I think they finally figured out my game as I had no reply after my e-mail of April 1st…

Keep it foolish…

EYDIAB

———————-

from: EYDIAB
to: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
date: 7 March 2011 23:35
subject : a veganlutionary idea!

Hi Innocent Drinks!

How’s it blending? Hope its going smoothly…

Just had a quick idea you might be interested in, what about making a raw
blended mixed vegetable smoothie?

It would be big in the vegan scene (you know how there’s not much they can
get in Tesco’s etc – they’d lap it up!) and I imagine would go down well
among people who want to be healthy but are too lazy to buy, cut and/or cook
lots of vegetables… Just think, purchase a Vegan Veg Smoothie and down it
in one – that’s at least 2-3 of your five a day! Combine it with a fruit
smoothie and you’ve essentially got all bases covered!!!

Well, let me know what you think – I best Richard would see the merits and
moreover the health benefits of my idea.

I’ve also got plenty of other ideas for new and revolutionary smoothies if
you’d like to hear some?

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing what you think about it.
If the idea takes off maybe you could send me a daily supply for life? It’s
a deal we would all benefit from!

Warm & smooth regards,

Flibbertyjibbet

———————-

from: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
to: EYDIAB
date: 9 March 2011 09:31
subject: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hello there Flibbertyjibbet,

Thanks for getting in touch with your idea.

We would love to make an all-veg smoothie, but it’s easier said than done. The products team have been flummoxed on that one by the fact that, um, well, they don’t smell very good (I shall leave that to your imagination) so they’d be quite difficult to persuade people to drink. We are working on it, though.

Sorry it’s not better news for now,

Rasputin

———————-

from: EYDIAB
to: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
date: 9 March 2011 23:50
subject: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hi there Rasputin (that’s a cool name, would you like to join my cool name club?)

And many thanks for the reply! You’re already working on it, wow that was
quick! So can you send me the first weeks supply of smoothies?

What do you mean vegetable smoothies smell? Are you cooking the vegetables
first? I think that’s where you’re going wrong, as per my original
suggestion, if you make it (use a high-power blender) with raw vege’s, it
won’t smell and you get the added benefit of not boiling off all the lovely
and healthy nutrients, vitamins and minerals that are so important!

Also, by using raw vege’s, you’d tap right into the “Raw Foodists” market –
look it up, sounds weird, but makes a lot of nutritional sense!

I’ve come up with a list of other smoothie flavours you might want to
suggest to the guys (and gals of course!):

Rhubarb & ginger,
Cherry cheesecake,
Fish finger,
Gin,
Pasta bake,
Pizza,
Strawberry & banana,
Steak salad,
Chicken n’ mushroom pot noodle,
…or in these more austere times, bread & water?

Look forward to hearing back from you to know what you think – perhaps
everyone in the office can mark a * by their favourite and we could have a
little mini poll?

Thanks in advance for the reply, I remain,

Yours smoothly,

Flibbertyjibbet

P.s. nice use of the word flummoxed, is it your word of the day?

———————-

from: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
to: EYDIAB
date: 11 March 2011 17:11
subject: Re: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hello Flibbertyjibbet (we do have cool names, don’t we?),

I’m sure the fruit team have gone down all avenues to try and make great tasting (and smelling) veggie smoothies. We don’t cook our fruit before we blend it, so we wouldn’t cook our veg.

I’ll be sure to pass your email on – for the genius recipe ideas if nothing else. (My particular favourite suggestion was rhubarb and ginger. Mmm.)

Enjoy your weekend.

Bye for now,

Rasputin

———————-

from: EYDIAB
to: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
date: 1 April 2011 00:32
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hi Rasputin,

Sorry I’ve not got back to you sooner, I was researching the blended veg smoothie idea and got involved in a minor, but dehabilitating blender accident. Suffice to say I will live and can type (albeit very slowly) with a pen which my friend superglued to my hand-cast.

Anyway Rasputin, thanks for the reply and I was completely unaware that you cooked all your fruits before blending them! How fascinating, I’ll have to try that myself once I’ve recovered… Perhaps you should try cooking the veg first in relation to my original idea, I bet this would help reduce the smell!!!

So what did everyone think of my ideas? Perhaps you could send me back a spreadsheet with a selection of the best feedback / comments. Most importantly, what did the Product Development & Resarchers think of them?

I’m glad you liked the Rhubarb and Ginger prototype didn’t go down so well at home when I tried it, I think I added too much Ginger and my housemate threw it up almost instantly. Do you think 1kg is enough for 2 litres of smoothie? (Perhaps you could ask someone else if you’re personally unable to field that question…)

Thanks for your help and look forward to hearing from you, as I have little to do all day on account of my shreadded hand meaning I cannot work.

Yours accidentally,

Flibbertyjibbet

P.s. If you want to join my cool names club, you just to to reply with your name and your top 5 male and female names of all time (can be first, or first-last but not last name only’s please)

———————-

from: EYDIAB
to: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
date: 14 April 2011 18:59
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hello Rasputin,

I’m healing well, but haven’t heard anything. You didn’t also suffer a smoothie related injury did you? I hope you’re not too severely crippled if you did…

Looking forward to your reply as I am extremely bored. Today was a new low. I counted all the flowers on my floral curtains and then tried to imagine what they would taste like if I blended them (the flowers, not the curtains!). My housemates have banned me from blending anything and refuse to have blending ideas delegated to them to test…

So anyway I am eager to hear from you!

Yours bored,

Flibbertyjibbet

(P.s. have you thought any more about the cool names? …if you’ll pardon the pun)

———————-

from: EYDIAB
to: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
date: 19 April 2011 21:50
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hello?!?!

…Rasputin??

———————-

from: helloinnocentdrinks@custhelp.com
to: EYDIAB
date: 21 April 2011 12:11
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: a veganlutionary idea! [Your special number: 11****-00****]

Hello Flibbertyjibbet,

We’re moving office today – so as you can imagine, we’ve been extremely busy.

I’m glad you’re much better now, and hope you have a great Easter break.

All the best,

Rasputin