Hello Twinnings,
How’s it brewing?
I just wanted to let you know that I love your peppermint tea! Perfect before bed or apres-mange (after a meal, if you don’t speak French) – it’s great for digestion. In fact, even first thing in the morning!
I was a bit disappointed though as one of the teabags had a rip in it…
Not to worry though, I had to “adapt and conquer” as my housemate keeps telling me – so we used a paperclip to seal the teabag while it brewed – bingo!
Is there anything you can do? How did it happen? Is it rare?
I can’t send you the teabag as evidence (unless you don’t mind part of a compost heap being posted to you…) so you’ll just have to believe me.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this tea-ravisty (if you’ll pardon the pun!!!)
Take care,
Yours qwenchingly,
Edward Y. Balloon
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Dear Edward,
Thank you for your e-mail.
We are sorry to hear that your recent purchase of our Peppermint tea has not been up to expectations and you found one torn. (We note your enterprising solution!) Please accept our apologies for any disappointment and inconvenience caused – I can assure you that every effort is made to ensure that our products reach the consumer in first class condition.
In order that we can try and determine the cause of the condition that you have described we require the following information:
The best before date, batch details, barcode of the product and your full postal address.
On receipt of this I will forward your details to our Quality Control Department for their records, they will then contact you directly within 7-10 working days.
Meanwhile if you have any other queries that we may be able to help you with – please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards,
Birgit Smith
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Dear Birgit,
Thanks too for your reply. Apologies for the delay, I was involved in a electric mobility-vehicle crash recently and have spent the last month filing the insurance papers. Don’t worry though, I’m fine…
I am glad that you have so kindly noted my solution – “adapt and conquer” is the key as my housemate tells me. Do you think you could maybe include one of these in each of your packets just to make sure in case this does happen again?
As much as I would love to furnish you with the required information, regrettably the packet is now in the recycle bin and is probably being used in the form of recycled toilet paper, a notepad or one of those pen’s you can get made of cardboard…
I think however that the barcode went like this:
|| | ||| | | |||| || | | |||
Don’t quote me on that though… Perhaps you can use your iPhone (I assume you have one as almost everyone I know has one these days) to scan the barcode and see what it comes up with?
I would give you my address, but for security reasons I only keep one piece of paper with it written down on (you can’t be too careful in this day and age) and it’s fallen down the back of the radiator in my living room. I tried to get it out and injured my hand, then went with a bent coathanger, but even this didn’t work. My “adapt and conquer” housemate is currently working on a solution using some fishing line, a washing up bottle, some sticky-back plastic, a sock, 3 matchsticks and some masking tape. I’m not exactly sure what he’s going to contruct or how it will work, but I’m assuming (based on my limited understanding of the Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics) that he will be utilizing the wave function of the Hiesenberger Uncertainty Principle in some way as I spied some equations while casually walking past his bedroom.
So until he has worked that one out, I can’t give my addres – apologies for that, but believe me I bet you it’s more frustrating for me than it is for you!
I look forward to hearing your proposals/solutions regarding:
1. How the teabag split incident happened
2. The frequency of teabag splittage (and number or reported incidents in the last 12 months)
3. Any suggestions you might have on how to recover my address from behind the radiator
4. Any useful working knowledge of Quantum Theory that my housemate might be able to use to increase the probability of him rescusing my address from behind the radiator
5. If the barcode is correct (assuming you or a colleague has an iPhone and the relevant “app”)
6. If you will be including free paperclips in all brands of Twinnings tea, to safeguard against future breaches
7. Tips/tricks relating to electric mobility vehicle driving safety
Thanks in advance for your replies to points 1-7 and any other useful advice you might wish to share.
All the best,
Regards,
Edward
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Dear Edward,
Thank you for your e-mail.
We are all very relieved to hear that your are intact following your recent crash and wish you luck with your insurance claim.
What a shame you have mislaid your address. However, if you have a ‘c/o’ address I would really like to send you a complimentary box of tea by way of thanking you for your contact.
With regard to your 7 queries our responses are as follows:
1) Without a sample of the split teabags we are unable to comment.
2) This information is not available but we strive to deliver all our products in a first class condition which is why we were keen to investigate your case further.
3) Personally I find a vacuum cleaner a useful tool for such problems. Just use the hose attachment but remember to place a thin cloth over the end to prevent the piece of paper disappearing into the dust bag.
4) Again, another personal suggestion, when I want information that is beyond my knowledge I try Google.
5) I am one of the small minority without a mobile phone and am therefore unable to determine whether the barcode is correct. However, comparing it to those on the boxes here I think the one you gave needs more ‘bars’.
6) No we will not be including paperclips in our boxes of tea. I have passed on both your suggestion and your housemates’ ‘adapt and conquer’ principle to my colleagues.
7) Your housemate sounds like a very enterprising person who may be best placed to offer some tips or tricks.
Wishing you all the best,
Birgit
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Dear Birgit,
Thanks so much for your comprehensive and useful reply! My apologies for the lack of response, the insurance claim took a lot longer than I had anticipated and I won’t bore you with the full story, but the pensioner with whom I crashed took me to court and a 3 month legal battle ensued. The upshot is I won’t ever be allowed to drive an electric (or petrol) vehicle for 3 years…
But onto more pressing matters – regrettably I don’t have a suitable c/o address, but may have a solution (see below):
1.) Noted – I figure it could have been a rare fluke, things like this can happen and I don’t blame you or anyone else at Twinnings.
2.) Also noted – do you have any yearly/monthly figures relating to teabag splittage issues anyway?
3.) Good suggestions – we did try this, but to no avail. We did catch a tropical spider though, which scared the living daylights out of my housemate. It didn’t get into the dust bag, which caused quite a kerfuffle. We got the piece of paper, but due to the length of time it had been trapped (in combination with the heat), regrettably is no longer legible.
4.) We tried Google (great suggestion) and found plenty of theory relating to Quantum Mechanics and the Uncertainty Principle, however these laws only work on a quantum (very small) level, so only on atoms & sub-particles. We’re currently exploring a new avenue: Hypnosis. We hope that once my housemate learns how to hypnotize me, he can get me to regress to an earlier frame of memory and reveal my address. I honestly can’t remember it, but we’re both very optimistic about this new idea.
5.) I appreciate your honesty – me too in fact – I hate phones! What ever happened to the good old days of speaking to the Operator and sending “Telegrams”? – I’ve attached two photos of the barcode, which I managed to salvage from the recycling (we re-used the packet to make a 1:5 scale model of the HMS Belfast) – could you try using your colleagues iPhone to scan it? This may give you more information about the actual carton I purchased which had the split teabag in it…
6.) Fair enough – I appreciate this may add to your costs and thus eat into (if you will) your profits. I’m glad you passed on the words of wisdom to your colleagues and hope this will increase the efficiency of your workforce.
7.) A moot point now I have been banned. I asked him retrospectively and he said “just be careful” – words of wisdom I think you’ll agree and could probably be applied beyond the realm of electric vehicle driving safety…
Look forward to hearing from you about the above and also if you’re able to “scan” the “barcodes” with the “barcode scanning “app””.
All the very best,
Ed
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Dear Birgit,
Hope all is well. Just a quick one to say I think I’ve come up with a solution re sending the complimentary box of tea, you can use my friend’s address:
Edward c/o Bill
Station Road
Balloonington
Balloonshire
BAL0 0ON
Look forward to receiving it c/o Bill and hearing your reply(ies) to my aforementioned points in the previous e-mail…
Many thanks,
Ed
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Dear Edward,
Sincere apologies for taking so long in responding to both this e-mail and your previous one.
I must say I was very pleased to hear from you again, although sad that the outcome of your accident means you have ended up losing your driving licence.
Now that I have an address, I have now despatched a replacement box of Pure Peppermint ‘infusion’. Also included are a couple of other products I thought you might appreciate. I hope you have fun re-cycling the boxes!
With best regards,
Birgit
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Dear Birgit,
Thanks every so much for your lovely reply and sending the “goodies” if you will. I will let me friend know to expect them.
Regarding the license, ’tis indeed a shame, but as a wise old lady once told me; “It’s not about how you get yourselves into situations like this, but rather, how you get yourself out of them that really matters”. You strike me as someone who would appreciate the velocity of this quote.
Turning to the new Hypnosis route we are currently exploring, no luck finding out the address yet, but we have learned that I have several past lives:
1.) Sir Londerdale of Wandsworth – a man who ruled this area of London in the year 1832 and loved teacups.
2.) An Egyptian slave – who helped to build the Sphinx
3.) “Cederic” – a French peasant who played a pivotal part in the French Revolution
4.) Xi Lau Ho – A Chinese Taoist who wandered the woods and discovered the meaning of life in Lau Tzu’s quote: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
5.) Werner Heisenberg – discoverer of the “Uncertainty Principle” – I learned/rememberd a lot from this past life, which may also lead to a greater understanding of my housemate’s earlier work in Quantum Mechanics.
Anyway, while all that’s rather interesting, I just want to thank you and everyone at Twinnings for the free tea and for listening to my concerns. You’ve almost certainly gained a life-long fan in me
All the very best regards & wishes,
Ed Balloon
P.s. I’m planning to make an Inter-planetary Space Ship with the empty tea boxes, once I’ve used them up. They should serve as a vital part of the Oxygen-recycling drive…
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Hello Ed,
Just clearing my desk before I go home for a couple of days (someone mentioned something about a National holiday) and I realised I hadn’t heard from you for a while.
I do hope you received the teas I sent but most of all have a great Christmas and I hope 2012 brings you lots of happiness.
Best regards,
Birgit
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Hello Birgit,
Hope you and the team(s) are well.
Did you send me another letter, you cheeky so-and-so?
My friend said he received another one. He’s off on holiday at the moment, would it be rude to ask for a scanned copy so I don’t have to wait? I’m really excited to see what it says!!
The hypnosis worked well, we discovered my address! But that’s purely academic at this point as now there’s no need.
On an aside I think we may be onto something with my Werner Heisenberg past life regression. Turns out my other housemate was Albert Einstein! What are the odds? We’ve been doing group past-life regression hypnosis and working together in order to iron out the problems of a working unification of Einstein’s General & Special Theories of Relativity with modern Quantum Theories on Strong & Weak Magnetic and Nuclear forces.
Apparently, a friend of mine tells me, if we do it we will have come up with a Grand Unification Theory of Everything and stand to win a (or possibly several) Nobel Prize(s). If we do it, we’ll be sure to give credit where credit is due (to Twinnings and you, Birgit) for this whole teabag splittage incident, without which, none of this would have been possible.
Look forward to getting an e-copy of the letter (.PDF is fine, as is plaint text copied into an e-mail) at your earliest convenience and all the very best for 2012!
Regards,
Ed
“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.”
– Albert Einstein
everything you do is a balloon (eydiab) 